Sometimes I'm just sick of being the older kid. I'm tired of having responsibilites, having to give all the time or trying to be a good role model. I wish the focus and pressure was less on me, or maybe it's the other way round. Who knows... but I'm tired of living for other people's sake- it just tires me out.

It makes me ask questions like, "...but what about my life?", the life 'I' want to live, what happens to that?..These days I wish I was the younger one, the one that gets to watch and observe the older one and make less mistakes; it just looks a lot easier than my limited disposition.

I was asked to read this from a dear friend; Jenni Moon, the most glamourous nature lover..

Oscar Wilde said, "Each man kills the thing he loves." And it's true. The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far. I have known a lot of people who, when their personal calling was within their grasp, went on to commit a series of stupid mistakes and never reached their goal when it was only a step away. This is the most dangerous of the obstacles because it has a kind of saintly aura about it: Renouncing joy and conquest. But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the soul of the world and you understand why you are here.

- Paulo Coelho

Forrest, you don't know what love is.

 

What do you mean, Jenny?

I fervently search the same room again,
and these days all I seem to find are my flaws surrounding me...
They're like an array of neon lights deliberately placed in my front of my conscience,
emphasising my long distance from perfection,,

I get quite overwhelmed and a little nervous...,
reminding me of the same feeling I get when a huge project is due the next day
or when staring blankly at a pile of clustered unwashed dishes. 

Despite this I hope I don't drown myself in this pit of self-indulgement and judgement,
cause maybe the journey to maturity isn't a process of clearing all my flaws
but a course of receiving them one by one and gaining confidence in that.

Although swimming against the current does get tiring,
I don't want to stop nourishing the better part of me,
not for my sake or the sake of others,
but for a better reason.

Steadiness, poise, elegance, wisdom, genuine, feminine, encouraging,
non-judgemental, simple, kind, fun, relaxed, diligent, loving, passionate,
morning person, consistent, gentle, obedient, patient....

Maybe... one day.

 

This is an excerpt from Jane Eyre a novel by Charlotte Bronte; I remember first reading this book in year 8
and I thought it was a complete waste of time;
back then authors like Paul Jennings and Judy Blume were a lot more interesting.
But thanks to Heathercino- I recently watched the new BBC version of Jane Eyre
which made me want to read the novel again.
Xanga reader, I ask you to read this excerpt and bask yourself in
the richness of its language and reflect on the sparse,
fragile yet beautiful nature of Helen- who is Jane's newfound school friend who suffered a great deal at school.......

'It is not violence that best overcomes hate - nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.'
'What then?'
'Read the New testabment, and observe what Christ says.
and how he acts - make his word your rule, and his conduct your example.'
'What does he say?'
'Love your enemies; bless them that curse you; do good to them that hate you and despitefully use you.'
'Then I should love Mrs Reed, which I cannot do; I should bless her son John, which is impossible.'

In her turn, Helen Burns asked me to explain; and I proceeded forthwith to pour out, in my way,
the tale of my sufferings and resentments.
Bitter and truculent when excited, I spoke as I felt, without reserve or softening.

Helen heard me patiently to the end:
I expected she would then make a remark, but she said nothing.

'Well,' I asked impatiently, 'is not Mrs Reed a hard-heartened, bad woman?'
'She has been unkind to you, no doubt; because, you see,
she dislikes your cast of character, as Miss Scatcherd does mine:
but ho minutely you remember all she has done and said to you!
What a singularly deep impression her injustice seems to have made on your heart!
No ill usage so brands its record on my feelings.
Would you not be happier if you tried to forget her severity,
together with the passionate emotions it excited?
Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity, or registering wrongs.
We are, and must be, one and all, burdened with faults in this world:
but the time will soon come when, I trust we shall put them off in putting off
our corruptible bodies; when debasement and sin will fall from us
with this cumbrous frame of flesh, and only the spark of the spirit will remain,
- the impalpable principle of life and thought,
pure as when it left the Creator to inspiure the creature: whence it came it will return;
perhaps again to be communicated to some being higher than man -
perhaps to pass through gradations of glory,
from the pale human soul to brighten to the seraph!
Surely it will never, on the contrary, be suffered to degenerate from man to fiend?
No; I cannot believe that: I hold another creed; which no one ever taught me,
and which I seldom mention; but in which I delight, and to which I cling:
for it extends hope to all: it makes Eternity a rest - a mighty home,
not a terror and an abyss.
Besides, with this creed,
I can so clearly distinguish between the criminal and his crime;
I can so sincerely forgive the first while I abhor the last:
with this creed revenge never worries my heart,
degredation never too deeply disguts me,
injustice never crushes me too low:
I live in calm, looking to the end."

Helen's head, always drooping, sank a little lower as she finished this sentence.
I saw by her look she wished no longer to talk to me,
but rather to converse with her own thoughts.

Helen, the Eternal Optimist.

 

I guess I just want to say sorry...,
I know I've taken you for granted and you haven't complained or retaliated once,
(except maybe for the time the stereo started to freeze)...
I keep telling myself I should wash you, vacuum you and scent you more often-
and everytime I pass Caltex I keep telling myself "tomorrow"
and now it's already been a few weeks. 
There are so many bad-owner incidences I can recall..
I can't believe I let you run with a flat tyre for almost 15 minutes
and also the time when I forgot to service you.. 
I admit in the beginning there were times I wished you were
a mini cooper or a volkwagen golf but it's not like that anymore...
The quality of your engine and maintenance is nothing compared to them,
you're so faithful- and I'm still maturing and everyday I realise
it's not the outer appearance that matters- you are a great perfect vehicle. 
You've grown on me so much;
it still amazes me how faithful you are and I can't imagine riding any other. 

I'm seriously really sorry...
For all the places you've taken me,
for the independance and self-confidence you've provided me--
it doesn't even come close to what I've done for you...
I feel like I've been a horrible owner.

I hope you can maybe... overlook my faults and just bear with me during these times..
I can't promise that I'll change from day one, but I will try my best to be a consistent driver...
I'll wash you more often, drive at an agreeable speed, and cause less 'almost crashes...'

I'm so proud of you and ever so grateful.

Yours,

Jenny..

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I do think it's a good thing cars don't have as many feelings as us, 

cause I think my yaris would've left me by now..